In an unprecedented move, Rep. Jarf Lauginhindlinghausen (J) has vowed to have all caps and tabs destroyed in a massive attempt to continue the “peaceful, non-violent period in Forsaken House.”  In a meeting with fellow Jarves and selected Jraf leaders, he said, “Now is the time to cement our legacy as a peaceful people.  In the coming months, our aim as  Forsaken House Residents– Snates, Bats and Jarves– should be to create an environment of safety and, amidst the bloodiest time in our history, begin to conspire with each other rather than against.”  He paused as thunderous applause that rang through the room with a wave of his hands and continued, “MAYES willing, we can convince the members of this beautiful community that we should live a life of affluence rather than one of threatening partisanship.  MAYES willing, we will come together as a house once again.”

The meeting was set in the Jarf Den and was a gathering of minds to form a new plan to deal with violence in Forsaken House.  The two-day summit ended with Lauginhindlinghausen’s speech.  A long-time Jarf leader, he is known for his diplomatic approach to world leaders, despite confessed problems with depression and alcohol in his 2008 book, “No Jarf Has Passed, No Life Has Transpired: The Jarf Lauginhindlinghausen Rise to Power in His Own Words.”  The book endeared him to a constituency that has been less forward-thinking and pragmatic in the past year, and led to his uncontested re-election late last year. Further cementing him was his fierce and determined opposition to Proposition 27 late last year.  Upon the proposition’s defeat, his approval rating among Jarves was the highest among any leader in Forsaken House history.

With another election coming, there are detractors.  Jraves are less than enthused about cutting back defense budgets and call this move, “A clear-cut example of pandering to the Bats and less-advantageous, fearful Jarves.” One Jraf leader went so far as to say, “Calling for peace in the midst of this strife is not only pointless, but dangerous.  It is a sign of weakness from a leader well past his prime.  He understands nothing of the current political climate.  If he were an honest man, a good man, he would step aside.  Immediately.”

Lauginhindlinghausen’s history is riddled with polarization.  In 2006, as he successfully took his office, he blatantly ignored calls to make an immediate impact.  He brokered a long-time peace with the Milesmen and Katies and was solely responsible for the massive immigration reforms that brought in Bats, Snates, and Tedds and ultimately led to the now-tumultuous Sharkey period.  His diversification plan backfired, say some, but for the most part, Forsaken House’s residents feel comfortable with his performance as a leader.

As for this weekend’s summit, Lauginhindlinghausen has no doubt about his speech.  He released a plan to destroy weapon reserves and spoke about decriminalizing certain sectors of FH to “ensure that people are in fact safe and secure, no matter their race.”  He called the terror zones in the house, “a manifestation of fear.”  After clearing his throat during the emotional speech, he continued, “The brilliance of motion should never be restricted.  The DPS have long instilled fear with their speech and practice.  We must let the people roam free– without borders and enemies, without weaponry and vehemence sagging the sails of our wind-stuck future.   When I envision the next generation of Forsaken House, the new era, I imagine one in which, caves, dens, Bots, Jarves and Bats are all non-hazardous to themselves or others.  This dream is not only attainable and necessary.  This dream is laying squarely in our palms, next to the weapons that threaten us  and keep us at bay.”

Perhaps this new era is a dream and only that.  But the majority of Jarves believe.  They remember the peaceful eras; the tourists not worrying about caps and corks.  A prominent Jarf said it best, “This new era is, point of fact, merely the old one rehashed.  I believe we can relive that past.  [Lauginhindlinghausen] is the leader we chose to do this and I believe he will.”  This was the sentiment of most on a day of immeasurable emotion.  Perhaps the new era is far away, but it did not seem so far after Jarf Lauginhindlinghausen’s speech.  In fact, it seemed closer than it was when it was reality.  The man who seemingly stepped Forsaken House into each of it’s eras stepped away from the podium, and for a moment had the room in wild applause.  Whatever was said afterward and by whom was yet to spoil the speech, and for the moment, Lauginhindlinghausen’s mission for peace was complete amongst his own people.


As of late this morning, a known Jraf leader, under the cloak of anonymity, gave an interview to a reporter for FHN.  Here is the unexpurgated, albeit brief, interview.

FHN: Thanks for giving us an interview today.  We hope to shed some light on your organization, which is under massive scrutiny worldwide.

Jraf Leader: Of course.

FHN: First of all, the ideals you press forward are seemingly anti-bat to a ludicrous degree in the eyes of the public sphere.  Why the harsh criticism of the bats and to what ideology does this actually speak?

JL: Well, to understand the Jarf population is to  inherently understand Forsaken House.  The idea that anyone can be anti-bat is ludicrous in and of itself.  We do not condone the violence incurred to Jarves by the hand of a small population of the Bat community and their leaders, who let this happen repeatedly, should be held accountable.

As to the ideology, it is a simple one: Hold accountable those that are wrong and provide justice for the Jarf.  Attacks are commonly started by bats.  Look at the DPS livewire, the violence seldom spreads past Hallway near the Bat Cave.  There is a constancy to corks being fired from Bat Cave, and complete denial in the case of the bats.  It’s uncommon that any violence actually happens outside of said area.  When we decided to begin the vigilante quest of the Jraf, it was in the wake of Proposition 27.  When 27 was defeated, we had all intentions of disbanding.  But the corks began to fly and the beards were threatened burned.  So, we’ve stayed armed.

FHN: Why, then, the violent approach?  Some of the greatest leaders in history were non-violent.

JL: Well, the Bats did not respond to passive-aggression.  The signs of peace and “separate-but-equal” signs* gave them recourse to believe that they had the upper-hand in this ongoing battle.  It gave them life.  We decided to take back our land and continue to struggle against tyranny and look what’s happened: violent outbursts by bats and bats alone.  Using Snates against Jarves, former inhabitants to scare Jarves, corks, idle threats.  The Jraf community has frightened them, yes, but has rarely been involved in any wrongdoing.  Violence, or the threat therein, is the only way to hold together the Jarf community, in a way.  We think the Jraves were not born to fight, but culled into battle, really.

FHN: I see. Do you hope for peace, personally and as a community?  Do you think it is possible, even for as short a time as a MAYES-invoked cease-fire?

JL: I think, if a disarmament agreement could be brokered, an era of peace could deafen even the fringes of our society.  The Jraves, the Tabs, even the Snates–post-chipwich–could be dissuaged from their mistrustful ways.  MAYES’ visit is a test of the Bats’ mettle– are they a peaceful creature?  Or violent?  The Jraves will not lift a finger to harm another living soul during MAYES’ visit unless a Jarf is harmed first.  Count on that.  As for the future, we can only hope that the corkings subside and the Snates and Jarves are left in peace.

FHN: Thanks to you, sir.  It was an honor.

JL: My pleasure.  Peace to all Jarves and do you hate me?

FHN: Do you hate me?

*- As of press time, a new ban has been imposed in Jarf territories against Bats.